The Worst Mistake
by bluemoonbabe
Summary: Set after the Julexis break up in October of 2014. Julian and Alexis are both broken, and this is the story of how they handle what comes after their break up. Choices are made, but are they the best of choices? ***This story diverges from canon.
1. Chapter 1

i

Alexis had let Julian go, or rather—Alexis had sniffed a lie out and she up and ran away from him. Alexis couldn't allow a man to lie to her; it put her at too much risk. It was already bad enough that Julian was in the mob, but now that he had lied to her time and time again, never failing to avoid the truth, a relationship was out of question.

There was only one problem with that: Alexis loved Julian, more than she thought was feasible. She had heart palpitations every time she saw him; she would grow dizzy and would be unable to think. And now, every time she went to bed, she could feel him next to her; his presence haunted her like an unforgiving ghost. His body pressed against hers, holding her through the night. She woke up after nightmares and would call his name out, but soon tears would spill down her cheeks—not because of the nightmare, but because she realized that she was alone in her empty bed.

She could still hear his words, echoing in her head. The words were beyond beautiful, "I love you." No matter where she was, she would remember him saying these words and they would catch her off guard. She excused herself one too many times at court so that she could run off to the bathroom and cry her eyes out, because she would hear him say those words to her, even though he wasn't there. The feeling of him followed Alexis wherever she went.

She felt that the support beams that held her up were slowly crumbling. It was only a matter of time before she would fall to complete insanity. Alexis was in desperate need of Julian, the feel of his fingertips against her skin, his low, rumbling voice whispering words into her ear to soothe her in the night and all that he could provide her with; the happiness that only he—he, no other man—could give her.

When the dust settled after the fight, Alexis could finally see clearly: She knew that she had been rash. There was no time between Sam telling her that Julian works for Luke and Alexis slapping Julian out of sheer anger. She slammed the door in rage, walking briskly and huffing out in anger. She couldn't believe that he had lied to her—not once, not even twice, but an innumerable amount of times. Then why, when she had looked at him, did she feel that he had told her the truth? When he told her that Luke was not his boss, she looked him in the eyes and saw pure honesty. He hadn't told her everything, she understood that, but he had answered her question with what she had so strongly believed to be the truth. Perhaps he had rendered her incapable of detecting a lie, of detecting his lies. But she knew him better than that; Alexis knew what it felt like for him to lie to her and that was not it. She did, however, sense that Julian was withholding some information.

However, she trusted Sam to tell her the truth, because she was terrified of the prospect of having a relationship. It had been so long since she had been in a relationship that she didn't want to get out of. Alexis wanted a relationship with Julian, she wanted the whole package—and the fact that she wanted that terrified her to no end. Now that she was alone, only with the weight of her heaving heart and the memories of what they once had to keep her company at night, did she sincerely regret bolting out of his door without thinking. But it was her pride that and her will to preserve the last bit of dignity that she had left, that kept her from running back to him.

He would be back, she told herself. He would come, jealous of Ned, marching into her daughter's apartment and attempt to convince her that they should reconcile. Julian had stayed away…sometimes, though he did leave her heartbreaking messages on her voicemail every once in a while. He had stalked her and found her at the hospital, and she was still mad then—but madder at herself than at him. Alexis told herself that Ned would provide her with the stability in a relationship that she had always wanted, but truth be told, all he gave her was a friendly word or gesture that did nothing to replace what Julian gave her. She missed the chemistry, the all-consuming passion that they had shared. So when he stopped "coming back", Alexis was hit with the reality of her mistake.

Julian had said that there would be a day when he wouldn't hold out for her anymore. Yes, he would love her till the end of eternity, but he would give up on her when he could no longer wait. What Alexis didn't know was that waiting to be with Alexis hurt Julian beyond compare, it tore at his already emaciated heart, ripped it to shreds. Each passing day, living without Alexis, killed him a little. Julian could not go on living his life like this, it was too painful. He would have to stop thinking about her, find other things to occupy his thoughts—because though he may never forget her, the best he could do was try and find something else to make his life worth living.

A/N: This is a "what could have happened" story, if Julian had decided to give up on Alexis (you know, at least for a second). I don't imagine it will be that long of a story, but we'll see.

After writing many chapters of this story, I have come to realize that this will be about 10-12 chapters long. And it will make you cry. You have been warned.


	2. Chapter 2

ii

Julian was out in the middle of the woods, a black duffle bag by his side. He had started a fire. Like with all things that he had murdered, he had to get rid of the evidence. His relationship with Alexis was not completely excluded. He was ready to part with all of Alexis' belongings that she had left in his penthouse.

He took out an item of lingerie, dark purple and lacey. He remembered how it hugged her figure, leaving very little to the imagination. He let it burn in the fire, a lone tear sliding down his cheek. One by one he let the articles of clothing burn. He took the pen that she used to write legal briefs with and chucked it at the flames violently. His lone tear had been joined by its brethren. Julian was an emotional catastrophe. Julian's heart was confined in his chest, unable to jump out of it the way he wished it could. So instead, his heart shattered to a million tiny pieces that left him with a dead weight in place of his heart. Next he chose the sticky notes that she had left on his nightstand whenever she left in the middle of the night. He tossed them into the flame, one by one, but he when he held one last one in his hands he could not let it go.

Written out in her messy handwriting, the most beautiful words in all of existence, "I love you." He shoved it in his pocket, telling himself that he would save it for last. There were little things, and some of them were his. He had thrown away the pair of boxers that he had worn the day they had first made love. His crisp, white button-up shirt that she had thought looked sinfully sexy on him was victim to the fire. He held two things in his hands that could not burn—one a glass vial of gardenia scented perfume and the other the ring that he had bought for the day he planned to propose to her.

He knew it would be long before he would ever propose to her, but he had bought it just in case he would come upon the perfect moment before he planned to. He kept it with him sometimes in his pocket, other times in his car's glove compartment. He always imagined that he would propose to her after making love to her in a car, like all those years ago in New Hampshire when she was just a schoolgirl pretending to be older that was looking for an adventure which he was willing to provide her with.

Julian couldn't think straight. He wanted to scream, yell out in rage in the middle of the forest. Alexis had been right all along, had he have gotten out of the business he wouldn't have had to have lost her. He could have been happy—he could have had it all. But he had sacrificed it all, in order to keep his family safe. The blood of his family on his hands was far worse than the blood of anyone else. A life as a slave to the mob was a sacrifice he had to make to ensure the safety of those he loved. But "fuck me," he thought, "fuck me for making the wrong choices since the beginning."

He drove home, forgetting to burn the sticky note that he had shoved in his pocket. He had chucked the perfume and the ring into the backseat and they had both tumbled into his car, losing themselves somewhere under the passenger seat.

His phone rang, and he reached to get it. He saw that it was Sam and wasn't sure if he was in any state of mind to talk to her properly. Nevertheless, he answered.

Clearing his throat he said, "Hello."

"Hey dad, it's Sam." There was a silent pause that weighed heavily on Julian. "Mom's not doing so well right now." Julian's heart sank, farther than the deepest depths of the ocean floor. "Molly and I have been trying to do the best we can, but she's just a mess. Could you come over?"

"Sam, it's for the best if I keep my distance away from your mother."

"Please, dad. She needs you. I listen to her cry herself to sleep every night. I—I don't know what to do anymore."

"I'm sorry, but—"

Sam was crying on the other end of the phone. It broke Julian's heart to hear his daughter cry. "I can't stand watching my mom falling apart like this. She's never been so torn to pieces. Dad, please. I'm begging you."

"Sam, I love you. I lover your mother very much too. But I need you to understand this: I will only make things worse by coming over and trying to calm Alexis down. She doesn't need me; she needs to be by herself so she can come up with her own decision."

"Dad, you don't really believe that."

"I do." Julian hung up, unable to talk to his daughter anymore. He had been reduced to a sniveling mess. Alexis said that they were through—so be it, thought Julian. He had given her time to come back to him, and when that failed he thought that maybe he could push her into a relationship with him again, but that had not gone as planned. He would give Alexis the space she demanded.

Just about as Julian was going to put his phone down, it rang again. He expected it to be Sam again, but when he checked it was his boss. He had appropriately titled the contact "Bastard" in his phone. He answered it, knowing that he would be in trouble if he didn't.  
>"Hello," Julian coughed out, trying to hide the fact that he was in tears.<p>

"How soon can you be in Amsterdam?" Fluke's voice was hauntingly similar to Luke's. It sent chills down his spine.

"How soon do you need me to be there?'

"In three days—can you do that?"

"It doesn't matter if I can or can't—you want me there, I'll be there."

"Good." Fluke hung up, leaving Julian with an unwelcome silence in his car.

Maybe he should have accepted Sam's offer to enter her apartment and let Alexis hold onto him like he was the only thing in a sea of regret that would keep her from drowning. He reveled in the fantasy for a moment before pushing it away; Julian knew that fantasies wouldn't magically turn into reality. All that he had ever dreamed of was now gone, and he would have to accept that.

Julian was driving to the Port Charles Police Station with a new plan in his head. He couldn't stand being in Port Charles for one minute longer with Alexis right around every corner he walked by. It was a miracle that Fluke had called when he had. Now Julian could flee Port Charles without looking back. He had loved ones he would leave behind, but they would move on eventually. That's what it takes to live—let go and move on.


	3. Chapter 3

iii

Alexis looked up as Sam walked into her room. She hurried to wipe away her tears. "Oh Sam, I didn't know that you would still be up," she spoke softly, hoping that her daughter wouldn't hear how strangled her words were.

"Cut the act mom. I know you've been crying."

"It's that obvious, huh?" Alexis refused to look at Sam.

"It is, when I hear you cry yourself to sleep every night." Sam sat down next to Alexis in the bed, but Alexis moved away. "Mom, I called dad."

Alexis' ears perked up, but her heart lurched in her chest. "And what did he say?" She looked up at her daughter for a moment, not caring whether her eyes were blood shot or not.

"He said that he loves you."

"That doesn't change anything." But the words touched Alexis either way, and broke her down. She was crying again and Sam wrapped her arms around her. She started to cry even harder, gasping for air in between heartbreaking sobs. Sam held onto her mother for the next fifteen minutes and Alexis only broke down even more as time passed. She had unleashed all the pain, the agony that had welled up in her heart. Her defensive wall was crumbling, and behind it she was left weak and defenseless.

"Mom why don't you just make up with dad? It's killing you to not be with him."

"I can't." She bit back a scream. "I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I just can't, Sam. He has to be the one to come back." She pulled away from her daughter; she felt like she was being suffocated by regret and Sam holding her wasn't alleviating the feeling. She hugged her knees to her chest. "Tell me he's going to come back. I'll grow old and die waiting for him. Just tell me he'll get jealous of Ned and ruin one of my dates in an attempt to win me back! Tell me he's going to show up with gardenias one day out of the blue and try to pretend everything is the way it was before he and I became a mess. Tell me that he hasn't given up. I don't want him to. Tell me he'll come back. Tell me!"

"I don't think he will." Sam didn't know what else to say; she didn't want to fool her mother into believing that Julian hadn't given up on her.

"Why?" Alexis whispered. It was a childlike question, but when she heard Sam's answer, it had ripped her heart into delicate shreds; she needed to know why.

"I called him to come over and he said he wouldn't because you said that you guys were through. He's under the impression that he's lost his chance with you."

"Why would you call him over?" she asked angrily. Alexis' temper was even shorter now that she was reduced to such a raw state.

"Have you looked at yourself lately, mom? You can barely do anything without stopping to cry, or talking a break from life and locking yourself up in a room for the rest of the day. It isn't healthy."

Alexis looked to the other side of the room. "Sam I think you should go back to bed." Her voice was icy.

"I'm not leaving until you're okay."

"I won't be okay, Sam. It's going to take a lot of time for me to be okay."

"The thing is I'm afraid you'll die before that happens." Sam sighed and got out of Alexis' bed. She hobbled to the door, terrified to leave her mother alone in the room.

Alexis spoke as Sam put her hand to the door handle. "I made a mistake," Alexis choked out. "A terrible, terrible mistake."

Sam walked out of the room in tears.


	4. Chapter 4

iv

Commissioner Devane was a cold and unforgiving woman with a penchant for leaving Julian out in the dust. She despised him with a burning passion, almost as much as Duke Lavery did—Julian knew this to be a fact. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets; he traipsed to the commissioner's office aloofly. Her door had been wide open and she was shuffling through papers angrily, probably because of something Duke had done.

She looked up and showed her blatant disregard for the man standing before her.

"Commissioner Devane."

"Mr. Jerome, it's a pleasure," she spat out. He wasn't surprised to hear her overly loud scoff once he entered her office.

"No the pleasure is all mine." Julian entered her office without asking, closed the door behind him and stared the woman down. He had to assert his dominance; otherwise the commissioner would bite his head off.

"I don't have time for you to pester me. If this isn't important, I would rather you leave this for another day. We can quarrel later."

"This is very important, Miss Devane. I'm sure it will be a worthy use of your time."

"Then spit it out."

Julian smiled and sat down in the chair in front of her desk. He enjoyed pissing the police commissioner off. "I'm correct in assuming that you want me out of Port Charles, yes?"

"You wouldn't be wrong."

Julian leaned forward, folding his hands over her desk. "I need to fake my death, Miss Devane. I want out of here, out of the business. I won't be here to take up your precious time or waste anyone else's."

She leaned back in her chair, folding her arms over her chest. "You must have had a falling out with Alexis. Don't you think that this is a little too drastic?"

"It doesn't matter what state of sociability Alexis and I are in. I need out, and you're going to assist me because you want me out of your hair."

"And what makes you think that I'll drop everything and help you with this?"

"Because with me gone, you'll be able to focus on Corinthos and whatever other mobsters pilfer Port Charles."

Miss Devane closed her eyes and thought for a moment, "Do you understand the severe consequences that your alleged death will come with, including the heartbreak of your loved ones?"

"I have considered it, yes. They will move on eventually. They lived without me once, I'm sure they can live without me again."

"You are a complete idiot, Mr. Jerome."

"Call me what you may, I still plan on going through with this with or without your assistance." Julian got up.

"Do you really want out of the business?"

"There's no reason for me to continue living a life that brings nothing but destruction." Julian started to leave.

She spoke when he reached half-way across the room. "What about Alexis?"

"She deserves better than me," Julian uttered in a low, heavy voice. He reached for the door handle, "Tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn, commissioner."

He shut the door and left a heavy weight in the room. The commissioner held her breath, hoping that this was some demented dream she had conjured up in her sleep. She thought of Alexis who would be left destroyed, Sam and Danny who would have no one to hold onto if Danny's cancer were to return and of Duke who would have no one to rile him up every now and again other than herself. Was getting Julian Jerome, the pesky louse, out of her hair worth the domino effect disaster that would follow?


	5. Chapter 5

v

Julian had called Alexis dozens of times, sometimes leaving messages, other times throwing his phone across the room in anger and impatience. Alexis had been avoiding him at all costs, he knew that much. He feared that she had heard the news of Olivia's pregnancy. He wanted to tell her that Olivia meant nothing to him, that it was just a one night stand that he couldn't even remember. He had no intention of getting together with Olivia, but he had every intention of fixing things with Alexis.

Julian had lost his patience eventually; he was done with waiting for Alexis to change her mind and decide that she wants him to despite the recent events and heartbreak. He had barged into Mason, Petrovic and Miller one day, pushing Diane aside as she threatened to call the police for him trespassing. Alexis looked up from her papers, and took the sight of him in. He had lost weight and exhaustion was written all over the bags underneath his eyes. Yet, he still looked unbelievably handsome to her. Her pen dropped out of her hand and her mouth was agape; she felt a sharp pain in her chest.

"I'm sorry, Alexis. I couldn't get him to leave." Diane had put up a fight, but it was only halfhearted. To tell the truth, she dearly wanted Alexis to be with Julian. She knew Alexis well, and she felt like Julian was meant for her. They were both stubborn, opinionated people who wore their hearts on their sleeves. Alexis had a penchant for falling for mobsters, but at the same time loved men who were caring and had the capacity to change. Julian fit the bill, if only he would walk the extra mile and rid himself completely of the mob for Alexis. And he would, if only Alexis would stand by him. So, with a nod, she left the two alone, in hopes that they would work out their differences.

"I'm sorry, but I'm busy with working on a case right now. I cannot take visitors, and don't think I will have the time to in the foreseeable future. Please do not come back or I will call the police." Alexis breathed the words coldly and brought her eyes back to her papers, desperately attempting to ignore the way her heart was beating because of his presence. He hadn't uttered a single word or even made physical contact with her, and she could already feel herself tremble and grow weak. Thinking of how he affected her reminded her of the times that he had made her quiver, but she ripped herself by force away from those memories.

"It will only take a minute. That's all I'm asking of you."

"You asked me for five minutes last time and that only ended in disaster." She shooed him away with her hand.

"I'm begging you." He was ready to plead on his hands and knees before her, kiss her feet and beg for forgiveness.

Alexis sighed, knowing all too well that she was incapable of refusing him. She had softened ever since she had found out that she was pregnant, and he was making her grow even softer in that small moment. "One minute," she uttered hostilely, looking up from her paper.

"That's all I'm asking for." He sat down in the chair in front of her desk and folded his arms over it. "I've done you wrong so many times Alexis, broken your heart and betrayed your trust. I would like to think that I did it for the right reasons, to protect my family and those who I love, but maybe you don't see it that way or think that it isn't a viable excuse. I've done inexcusable crimes that I should be convicted for, but the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life is hurt you."

Alexis stopped him right there. "Nothing you say will change my mind, Julian." The words were affecting her, and she prayed that he would tell her that he was out of the mob…and that his tryst with Olivia meant nothing to him. Though, she didn't know what she would do if he did. They would only be words, and words wouldn't change the past. Behind her desk, her hand was on her abdomen, rubbing circles into it, thinking, "Little one, listen well—I don't know when the next time you'll hear your daddy's voice will be."

"I know, but I want to give it a shot. I'm here to apologize for the pain I've caused you, the pain I've caused to Molly and Sam. But I'm here to apologize for one more thing too… I don't know if you have heard, but Olivia is pregnant—she's pregnant with my child."

In her imagination, Alexis had broken down into tears and curled up into a ball. She bit back the tears and screams that she wanted to let out. She had thought that she could handle hearing him say those words once, but it was much harder than she had thought it would be now that he had. "I heard."

"She doesn't mean anything to me, Alexis. She isn't the person I think of every night when I go to sleep and every day when I wake up. She's not the person I can't imagine living the rest my live without. She's not the one who makes me heart race from her touch or heart beat in pain when she's gone. Alexis you're the person who does that to me, and so much more. You're the woman that I love."

"Please go, Julian."

"I can't and I won't—not until you tell me that you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you, because oh God Alexis, I want to be with you. I know that I've done you wrong, but I want to make up for it. If you want me out of the mob, I will find a way out. The mob isn't who I am. Who I am is a man who has fallen so irrevocably head over heels for the most beautiful, most enthralling woman in the entire world."

"Your minute is up. I will call the police if you off the premises within the next thirty seconds." She shut her eyes tightly; it was hurting her so much to push him away like this. He was giving her everything she had wanted, telling her what she had always wanted to hear from him. And though his words sounded sincere, she was too stubborn to let them win her over so easily. She had made that mistake one too many times, and now it was difficult to trust him or even trust herself in regards to him.

"Don't be so cold. I know you want me, Alexis. I know you love me. Please tell me that you still do."

She opened her eyes; tears spilled over their brims.

"Darling," he whispered, standing up and walk over to her side of the desk. He spun her swivel chair around so that she would face him, and he reduced himself to his knees. "Please, forgive me. I'll get out of the mob; I'll do anything. I'll do anything for you; I love you." He took her hands into his and kissed them. "I don't want to be stubborn anymore; I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I love you, Alexis, and I always will."

"It's too late for that, Julian. You should have taken the chances I gave you when they were given." The words were choked out, unnatural and Julian knew that she didn't mean them, at least not wholeheartedly.

He looked up at her with watery eyes, "It isn't too late. There's so much left for us, Alexis. You can't deny that; you can't deny that you still love me."

"If you don't leave me alone, I will file a restraining order against you," she ripped her hands away from his. In her mind, though, she had answered passionately with an "I love you," that would have shaken the world.

Julian sighed, disappointed. "I'll leave now, and give you time to think about what I said. I'm not giving up on you, no matter how much you threaten me and push me away."

Julian walked away, and as he did Alexis reached for his hand, but she was a second too late. His hand was out of her reach. He disappeared all too quickly out of her door, not looking back, though she had never taken her eyes off of him.

Diane came in, knowing that it hadn't gone well from the look on Julian's face as he had exited. "Hun, you're making a huge mistake in denying that man your love."

"I know, I know, I know," she repeated as she shook her head, looking at the floor in disbelief. She turned back to her work, thinking of the child growing inside of her and the father of her children.

Julian had wished that their meeting would have gone differently. He hoped that with time, Alexis would give up the façade she was trying to keep up, break down and finally let him into her life again. But for now, he had another problem to deal with. He had to confront Olivia, and figure out how to deal with the fact that she was expecting his child. Thinking of Olivia carrying his child, it felt so wrong to him…

Olivia had just gotten off the phone with the OBGYN's office. She had made an appointment for two weeks from now, and was looking forward to seeing the baby for the first time on the monitor. She knew that she wouldn't be able to see what it looked like, but when it is born, she wanted the baby to look like Ned. It would have his dimples and endearing smile. It would have his brown eyes, and they would glimmer in just the same way as his. She sighed thinking about it, and began to regret telling Carly (who then told all of Port Charles) that the baby was Julian's. It was the worst lie that she had ever told, and she now feared that it would drive Alexis closer to Ned.

There was a knock at the door which pulled her away from her thoughts. She opened to door and gasped when she saw none other than Julian Jerome.

"We need to talk." He didn't sound happy, and she feared that he remembered the conversation that they had had on New Year's Eve.

"Sure, come in." She shut the door behind him and led him to the living room. "Sit down, make yourself comfortable."

Julian did so, but didn't hesitate to bring up the topic that they both had feared. "I heard that you're pregnant with my child. What do you have to say about that?"

Olivia twiddles her thumbs nervously. "Look, I'm so sorry about what happened. You have every right to be mad."

"I'm mad at myself…and this all seems unreal. But I can't help but ask; did we really sleep together on New Year's Eve? I was so drunk that night; it's all just a haze to me."

Olivia stared at him in shock, now knowing for sure that he had no recollection of that evening. She stared at the wall, regret in her eyes. She didn't know how to proceed, but he spoke before she could.

"I assume I should take your silence as a yes then. I want to apologize for the burden that I have put upon you. I would like to be a part of the child's life, and if you need help in any way, I will. But anything more than that, I cannot do."

Olivia was crying, completely distraught. This was a problem that she caused and was now afraid of reversing it. She broke down into tears, the stress getting to her. Julian moved to sit next to her, and put his hand on her shoulder. "Am I a terrible person for assuming that this is just hormones?" he asked.

Olivia laughed, but it was a painful laugh. She wished that she could have turned back time, have not told Carly that the baby was Julian's. But now what was done was done, and she couldn't easily tell him that it was a false rumor. That would only bring up the question of who the real father was, and no one could know that this baby was Ned's—not when Ned was in love with Alexis. There was no good or simple way to fix the problem she had caused. So, she opted to keep the charade up a little longer until she found a better way to go about this. "Would you like to come to the next OBGYN appointment? I will understand if you don't want to."

Julian nodded, smiling nervously. "I think I'd like that. Thank you, Olivia."

He walked out of that apartment, feeling like he had been trampled by a truck. Though he had said he had wanted to go, he really didn't. Truthfully, he imagined that his next child would be fathered by Alexis. In fact, he had dreamed of it on many occasions. But this, this was something that had been dropped on him out of the blue, hit him on the head and knocked him out. It didn't sit right with him. Despite that, he would love the child. It was his, after all…


	6. Chapter 6

vi

The funeral congregation was small, not that Alexis had expected a large turnout. Julian Jerome was a very disliked man in Port Charles. Diane had come simply because she felt sympathy for Alexis, and wanted to make sure that her friend walked away from the funeral alive. Alexis knew all too well that so many had come to the funeral for her, and not because of the man whom they all detested. But for Alexis, he was the man she had loved most out of all the men she had ever known.

She remembered the day she received a call from Anna, most likely out of sympathy (for any other cop could have called her), telling her that Julian had been in a car crash. Alexis was ready to bolt out of the door and drive a hundred miles an hour to General Hospital, but that was when Anna told her the most catastrophic news that she had ever received in her entire life. Julian Jerome's car had caught fire and they couldn't rescue him before the flames ate him. Julian Jerome was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. The words reverberated in the room around her, louder and louder, driving her to insanity. She couldn't even see him in the morgue; the body was too gruesome to look at. Alexis dropped the phone, standing still, wheezing as she attempted to breathe. She could hear Anna calling for her, until Anna finally hung up and the phone let out a noise that did nothing to cover the nearly inhuman screams and shrieks that were born from Alexis. She collapsed onto her knees; there was no strength in her, no will to go on.

Sam walked into her penthouse, and the moment she saw her mother on the floor, she ran to her. "Oh my god, MOM!"

Alexis started to shake and Sam tried to hold her still. "He's dead," Alexis said in a voice that she didn't recognize as her own.

"Who's dead, mom?" Sam had a feeling she knew who it was, but she refused to believe it until Alexis told her; the man she had come know as her father, the one she had grown to love—he was invincible. It was impossible that he was dead, so soon after coming into their lives.

"Julian," she coughed out, her voice hoarse.

Sam fell into tears, her heart breaking nearly as much as Alexis'. She joined her mother on the floor, and together they grieved. Sam clutched Alexis to her, and they held onto each other. Now, Alexis felt like the only pieces of Julian that she had left were Sam and Danny. She needed them now more than ever.

The Port Charles Police Department had delivered the ashes to Alexis' door. For the days before the funeral Alexis had placed the ashes in the spot next to her in her bed at night, but they did nothing to truly fill the empty space next to her in her bed or her heart. It was so impossible to believe that Julian was the pile of ashes in the urn. She sometimes held it in her hands, no matter how heavy it was; it felt lighter than the weight pressing down on her chest that made it so hard to breathe. She had woken up one day clutching the ashes to her chest tightly as she lay in bed still and silent. They didn't warm her in the night the way Julian once had, they didn't make her heart beat like a battle drum—was Julian really in there, burned up and no longer alive?

Sometimes, she had nightmares of his death, seeing his face melt of as the flames consumed him. Sometimes, she dreamed of herself in the car with him, burning together as they screamed how much they loved each other, holding one another and kissing till the end, no matter how much the flames stung. Sometimes, these dreams were better than reality because he was still with her, she could still hear his voice and feel his touch, until life damned her and she had to wake up.

People offered their sympathy, but it did nothing to ease the pain in her heart. Sam would hold her hand at times, even though she felt like she was a tree being chopped down, waiting to fall with a thud onto the forest floor. Molly had attended because she felt pity for her mother who had loved a man that was made of all the vile things in this world. When she saw her tears in her mother's bloodshot eyes, however, she realized that maybe her mother wasn't such a huge idiot. It was like in a romance novel gone wrong; the strong female lead had fallen in love with a man darkened by his own work. She would make relentless attempts to bring him to the light and show him the other good things in life. She gives up on him and just when she was about to give him another chance, he's gone, so quickly and unexpectedly, like a whisper in the wind.

Molly walked over to her mother and wrapped her arms around her from the behind. She too started to cry. "I never liked him; mom, but you loved him. And I'm so sorry." Molly didn't know if those were the right words, but those were the once she wanted to say. Somehow, Alexis had understood them.

The man she was most thankful for coming was Ned. He seemed to always be there for her when she needed him most. He hugged her and when they parted he said the kindest words to her she had ever heard from him about Julian. "I've never seen you love a man more than you loved him. You saw something in him that I couldn't. He must have been doing something right in his life if you love him as much as you do."

"Thank you, Ned."

"Stay strong, not for me, but for him. I'm sure he wouldn't want to see you falling apart like this."

There were no eulogies at the funeral. Alexis and Sam both felt like if they were to speak, their words world come out as heart wrenching sobs. The rest of the funeral congregation didn't know what to say on him, other than to offer their words of sympathy directly to Sam and Alexis.

Alexis had waited for the last person to leave before she sent Sam and Molly home. Alexis needed to be alone; she needed to speak with Julian, even if he wasn't here—not directly. She chose a spot in the distance to focus on, and as she spoke she let her tears fall and she never moved to wipe them.

"Julian, I don't know what to do. You are—you were a man that took my breath away constantly. You make—you made, made me feel hot and cold, strong and weak, all at the same time. I didn't know that I could feel like that. I didn't know that life could be so beautiful. We fight—we fought, fought at times, but when we could put our fights aside, I felt so indescribably happy. It seems like yesterday we were in bed together, and I wished that I would never have to leave. I wish I didn't walk out on you all those days ago, in anger, telling you that we were through. Because deep in my heart, we were never through—I still feel devoted to you. I'm not sure that after loving you, I can love another man the same. I don't know if you heard my voicemail before you died, but I want—I wanted to be with you, and, oh dear God I still want to be with you, so much. And it's tearing me apart that I can't. It's not the "I can't be with you" while you were alive. Now there is no chance of being with you. Not a single chance. My worst mistake was not letting you hold me in your arms a little longer and not telling you that I love you every day. My worst mistake was running out of the most beautiful thing in my life."

Sam was watching her mother say all of these things, and as she heard them, she realized that her father had been the greatest love of her mother's life. She walked back to the car, drying her cheeks. She knew her mother would never find a love like the one they had shared again.

A/N: I wrote this in tears. And edited it in tears. And posted it in tears.

The inspiration for parts of this chapter was Kristina's funeral.

Thank you for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center;" align="center"vii/p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" There were stars in the Amsterdam night sky that night, and as Julian sat on the balcony of his small apartment and breathed in the chilly air, he thought of Alexis. If he thought hard enough, he could taste her; feel her lips brushing up against his ever so gently. He shook his head, knowing that he had to erase those thoughts from his mind.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" In retrospect, Julian realized that he had left Port Charles for many reason. All of them had become a convoluted cluster, and Julian could not take the drama anymore. Alexis had left him, and his was unable to cope with being without her. His boss was pressuring him to do his bidding, no matter how evil. The imminent sense of his family's endangerment had also played a huge factor. In the end, even if Julian had left Port Charles without much forethought, it had ended up being the best decision he had made—or at least, almost. He still longed to see Alexis every day, to wake up with her by his side. Sometimes, no matter how much of a man he was, he would wake up in the night and weep when he realized where he was and who he was without.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" It was nights like these, when he was all alone, that his thoughts had brought him to Alexis. How was she coping with his false-death? Had she moved on and found a new man to love? (He knew, deep in his heart, that Alexis would give up on Ned. Ned had only been a distraction that she used to keep her thoughts off of him, he knew this all too well.) If she did, Julian prayed that it was a man that could love her and understand her, cherish her for all that she is. Julian had once tried to find a new lady-love, here in Amsterdam, but he was struggling. There was a woman who worked in a café just two blocks away from his apartment building that had taken a liking to him, but he was not interested. However, she was a good person to talk to—considering she was the only person he actually knew in the entire city.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Either way, Julian was far too preoccupied with bringing down his boss. Anna Devane had managed to find his location, his new contact information and everything else she needed on him to keep in touch. He had reluctantly agreed to help the PCPD bring his boss down. They had made significant progress and flushed out Faison, who at first Anna had thought was the only mastermind behind the so-called "Jerome Family Crime Organization". It had become apparent, soon after Faison's capture, that there were others in on the deal, and whoever they were, they were serving as coconspirators. Now it was Julian's job to get close to Jerry Jacks and get whatever information he could from the weasel's mouth. He knew it would be a lucrative task, if he came out of it alive. Associating yourself with Jerry Jacks is never a good thing under any circumstance, if you value your life dearly.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;"_p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Anna Devane was sitting in her office, papers messily spilled across her desk. She pulled at her hair, ready to scream. None of this was adding up. Faison was not the mastermind, but rather was a distraction from people higher up the chain. At least Faison was locked behind bars where he couldn't bother her, for the time being. Anna looked up at the clock, noticing that it was well passed the midnight hour. She knew that she should leave her work for tomorrow and go home, but there was something bothering her.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Anyone involved in the law shouldn't have a guilty conscience, and she now feared that hers was coming out in the most inopportune of times. She had seen Alexis just days before; the scars of grief were well embellished in her skin. She almost considered telling Alexis that Julian was alive, but instead she told her that Ric was alive. It was the safer option, and something that she knew Alexis would handle better than Julian…p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Anna could still remember the conversation, and it made her cringe.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" She scanned the police station, deeming that her office was the best place to speak to Alexis. Alexis reluctantly followed her, her heels clicking miserably against the floor. Anna closed the door behind her and turned to face Alexis whose arms were crossed over her chest.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" "I'm assuming whatever you have to tell me is going to upset me even more."p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Anna nodded. "I think it's best for you to sit down, Alexis."p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Alexis did as she was told, not out of respect for Anna but because she was too frail to take any more surprises. "Go ahead, then."p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" "With the recent events regarding the capture of the Jeromes' bosses—" Anna stopped, waiting to see how Alexis would react to hearing the name. For a second it looked as if Alexis would cry or scream, or perhaps both, but Alexis managed to withhold the urge. "I think that it is safe to reveal a secret that I've been hiding. You see, Alexis—Ric is alive."p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Alexis looked as if she was just hit by a train, "And you're about to tell me that withholding this information from me was for the greater good, correct? That leaving my family in a state of constant grief over Ric was well worth fishing out a mobster kingpin? Do you know how much Molly has suffered because of this?" Alexis was nearly shrieking and looked as if she was about to hyperventilate.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" "I'm sorry, Alexis," were the only words Anna found to say.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" Alexis stood up, taking careful steps toward Anna before she slapped Anna across the face, not withholding any of her strength. Anna could taste blood in her mouth, and she knew that her face had most likely bruised from the slap. Yet, Anna made no comment, but instead looked into Alexis' eyes for a moment, and she swore that she saw something in them—hope, perhaps, for Anna to tell her that Julian was alive and well too. p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" "The greatest part of this all is that Julian lied to my face about Ric, and told me that Ric was his boss. The evidence was overwhelming, and I believed him. But Ric went along with it, collaborating with you to flush out Faison and whoever may be working with him. And if you hadn't abused Julian's lie, my family wouldn't have been crushed. Was it worth it, Anna?" Alexis sneered, "Was it worth all the pain and destruction, because as I see it—your idiotic plans are causing more harm than good." There were tears in Alexis' eyes at this point, "And Julian—he died not knowing that Ric has been alive all along. He died with that grief still wearing him down." Julian's name came out filled with grief and the weight of a thousand suns. Anna opened her mouth, but Alexis stopped her, "I don't want to hear another word from you right now. We'll talk about the details when I'm in a better state of mind." Alexis walked off, but not without leaving Anna with the imprint that Alexis had prayed that she would tell her that Julian had faked his death too.p  
>p class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;" p 


	8. Chapter 8

viii

Alexis had found a new home, another cabin in the woods. She couldn't part with the setting, now that it held so many memories for her. Her new home had been built right next to the old. Molly had decided to live with Ric after hearing that he was alive, and she had allowed that. Alexis figured it was best that Molly spent time with her father while she tried to figure out her own life. Every day she walked out onto the porch, she would sip her coffee as she looked at the ruins of her old home. She remembered the times that she and Julian had made love on her floor, right behind the couch, in her bedroom after the Nurses' ball; all the moments that she could never recapture again with him.

Once she had purchased her new home and moved in, she requested that Julian's burnt up car be sent to her home. She kept it in her garage, and would sometimes walk into her garage, just to see it—it was one of the few things she had left of Julian. She could picture the car in flames, and sometimes asked herself if he was thinking of her as the flames swallowed his body whole. After all, to her, he had been like an all-consuming flame, eating her alive until she melted into him.

It had been months since Julian's death, but the grief that she felt was omnipresent. And even though major discoveries had been made about who was manipulating him, who his bosses were, none of it had eased the pain. She had always imagined that Julian would be alive to see his bosses being taken down, to be freed of his shackles. She felt like he had been robbed of that feeling—to be free and happy… She felt like she had robbed him of their relationship as well. There was an infinite number of "what ifs" in her mind that caused many restless nights. It was because she couldn't let go, that she held on to everything she could—Sam, Danny, Lucas, Julian's belongings; even his burnt up car.

The PCPD had given her a black bag filled with the items that survived the fire, but she never had the courage to open them. She entered her house, putting away the mug and proceeded to open a drawer. In that drawer there was only one thing: the black bag filled with the mysteries she now longed to see. Today was the day she would open it up. It was exactly three months since his death, and she felt like it was time to let herself fall apart for just this day.

She apprehensively opened the bag, and stuck her hand in, feeling the contents. She took out a black box that was singed on the edges, but for the most part—it was okay. She cradled it in her hands and gasped when she realized what it was. She closed her eyes tightly as she opened the box in an attempt to stop tears from spilling out of them. In the box, there was a ring—simple yet beautiful. The white stone was neither large nor impressive, but the band was what got her. What was on the band was what made her know that Julian had intended to give this ring to her—that Julian had at one point had intended on proposing to her. Images of gardenias were engraved on the band of the ring.

She took her necklace off of her neck and removed the charm from it. In place of the charm, she kept the ring. She wanted to have that ring by her heart every day for the rest of her life… And she wondered, if Julian were still alive today—would they have gotten back on track; would they have maybe eventually gotten married?

The next item was surprisingly her gardenia scented perfume. She couldn't believe that he had kept this after she had left him, and it appalled her that he had kept it in his car. Did he intend on returning it to her, maybe? Or had he sometimes taken the cap off and sniffed the perfume to remind himself of the scent of her?

There was one more item in the bag, and when she took it out Alexis was speechless. There was a cell phone—his cell phone. She attempted to turn it on, hoping that maybe it would have an ounce of power left in it. To her amazement, it turned on. Even though the battery was low, it was enough for her to see if he had listened to her message. But, there was something off about the phone. The picture of Danny that he had taken on Danny's birthday was not his wallpaper. She looked through the pictures on his phone, and there was not a single one of Danny, or Sam, or Lucas, or even herself. Alexis looked through his contacts only to see that neither she nor Sam nor Lucas was in his contacts list. Alexis wouldn't have been surprised if he had erased her from his phone, but it was not like Julian to completely erase Sam, Lucas and Danny from his phone…

It dawned upon Alexis that this was not his phone… And if it wasn't his phone, where was his real phone? She knew Julian was the type to carry his own phone wherever he went in hopes that maybe she would call him at some point… Why would someone else's phone be given to Alexis in a black bag of Julian's belongings if he were in fact dead? She wiped her cheeks, and practically ran to her car. Something was unbearably off about this situation and she had to get answers from Anna Devane immediately.

Alexis barged into Anna's office, her face red. Driving to the PCPD, all Alexis had for company was her own thoughts. Those thoughts had taken a turn for the worse, when she analyzed the situation. Alexis had not been allowed to view the body, no matter how much she had begged to. Julian was purportedly cremated, and his relatives didn't get a say in that process whatsoever. And the business of Julian's will—it had never been taken care of. Looking back on it all, the entire situation seemed to have been a poorly planned fake-death. She needed Anna to confirm this for her.

Alexis threw Anna's door open and Anna practically jumped out of her seat in shock, the papers she had been holding in her hands scattered everywhere across her office.

Alexis leaned on the door, folding her arms of her chest. If there was a time where Anna should ever fear her, now was the time. Alexis was beyond furious; her heart had been torn to shreds because of Julian's supposed death. And if Julian was indeed, alive, Alexis was out for blood. Anna's blood seemed like the perfect place to start.

"You can pick those up later, Anna," Alexis said with a Cassadine air.


End file.
